


Until Morning

by Halfmoon95



Series: Briel Hawke [1]
Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-24
Updated: 2014-08-24
Packaged: 2018-02-14 11:40:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2190342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Halfmoon95/pseuds/Halfmoon95
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Briel Hawke mourns the loss of her mother Leandra.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Until Morning

**Author's Note:**

> I recently discovered Dragon Age 2 and have been marathoning the game, and it inspired a new bit of fic! Hopefully this works!
> 
> Briel Hawke is a rogue. And she's pretty awesome.

_My fault. My fault. My fault. My fault. My fault._

The words run through my head as we make the long walk through Lowtown. 

_Should have been faster. Should have been stronger. Should have been smarter. My fault._

Varric, Anders, and Fenris are obstinately quiet at my back.

_First Carver. Then Bethany. Now Mother. My fault. I didn't protect them and it's all my fault._

"Hawke, is there- do you-"

I have never heard Varric stumble over his words before.

"What do you need us to do?"

I halt abruptly and turn to face my three companions. Anders eyes me with his usual distrust, laced with sympathy that is unfamiliar. Varric's expression is pitying, and Fenris... It's the look on his face that kills me. The pain and the loss and the warmth he never masks and the golden eyes that are filled with so many things I can't bring myself to name for fear of the hurt it will cause.

"Anders, I want you to make sure there were no other blood mages involved in that bastard's schemes. Varric, inform the Templars what transpired and assure them the problem is taken care of. Fenris." Somehow I manage to keep my voice from cracking when I say his name. "Please go and tell Aveline the news. That's all I have for you."

The dwarf and the mage disappear immediately, but Fenris lingers, the question plain on his face.

"Something else, Fenris?"

"Are you-" He swallows. "Are you alright?"

I close my eyes for a brief moment. "I just lost my mother, Fenris. I'm far from being alright."

He folds his arms - thin and muscular and laced with his markings - over his chest. "Where are you going to go?"

"Back to the estate. I expect Gamlen will be waiting for me there and he needs to be told." 

I turn to go, but Fenris catches my arm. 

"Hawke."

_Don't do this. Please don't do this to me. Not right now._

"Briel, I am so sorry."

My eyes start to prickle with all too familiar tears and I have to swallow down a lump in my throat before I can respond. "Don't, Fenris. Please."

His brow furrows. "I don't-"

"Can't you see that your kindness hurts me?" The words stumble out before I can stop them, along with the rivulets of saltwater that now wet my cheeks. "The comfort I need is something you refuse to offer, so please just let me be alone with my grief."

It's all I can do to force myself to look at his face and his stunned expression, that look that made it seem like he'd just been slapped, that  _hurt_ was enough to start off a fresh bout of tears. I wrench my arm free and run up the steps. Running from the body and the guilt and the pain and the knowledge that if I had just been  _faster_ I could have saved her.

Running from the one I loved.

^^^

I sit on my bed in deafening silence.

_So it's your fault, then?_

"Yes," I whisper.

_If you had been faster or stronger or you could have saved her?_

"Yes."

_And you're saying that bastard used her for spare parts? You're saying he used her to bring his wife back from the dead?_

"Yes."

_I hope you killed him._

"Yes." I bury my face in my hands. "Yes, I killed him."

_And it didn't change a damn thing._

He enters the room so quietly that I don't notice his presence until he's standing right in front of me.

"I know it doesn't mean much," Fenris says quietly, his rough voice tinged with sorrow. "But I'm here. I'm here and I have nothing worth saying."

"Is it my fault, Fenris?" I do not cry when I ask. My tears have all been shed. I feel nothing but an ache, a numbness. Brokenness. 

"Would you feel better if I said 'no'?" He shakes his head slowly. "You're looking for forgiveness, Hawke, but I'm not the one who can give it."

"I was the one who told her she should look for a suitor." It hurts, saying the words. "I told her she deserved to be happy. And now she's dead."

"He would have found her either way."

"It's not just her." I fist my hands into my hair, relishing the stinging pain it brings, the moment of sharp clarity that breaks through the haze of sadness. "Everyone I promise to protect, Carver, Bethany, Mother, everyone ends up hurt. Everyone. Everyone dies and it's always my fault."

Fenris kneels in front of me, grasping my wrists and pulling them gently away from my face. "You are not at fault."

"Don't lie to me." 

I try to pull free but he tightens his grip, fixing me with an intense stare.

"Hawke, listen to me." He waits until I meet his gaze before continuing. "You could not have prevented their deaths. Despite what you think, what you've been told, you are only human. Incredibly strong and smart and brave and  _stubborn_ but human nonetheless." He touches his lips to my brow. "Their blood is not on your hands."

I want to close my eyes, to savor his closeness, but he is already pulling away from me, drawing back, putting the mask back in place, retreating to a safe distance because trying to love me is too painful.  _Let him go._   _He made his choice. Let him go._

In spite of myself, I reach out and catch his arm. "Don't leave."

His jaw clenches. "Hawke, I-"

"I know, Fenris." I take a deep breath, giving myself time to gather whatever crazy thoughts have taken root in my mind. "I understand, believe me, I  _get it._ I'm not asking for what you're unwilling to give. I'm asking you to let me have this moment. Don't leave me alone to drown in my grief, I beg you."

He bites his lip.

"Fenris, please. Stay with me for just a little longer. Just until I fall asleep."

For a heartbreaking moment I think he is still going to leave me. But then, with a relenting sigh, he sits next to me on the bed and leans his back against the headboard. 

"Until you fall asleep," he murmurs.

I pull the covers back from the mattress and lay down next to him, careful not to touch him. My eyes drift closed and I focus my attention on breathing, counting the seconds in my head.

_In, two, three, four. Out, two, three, four._

After a while his hand drifts to the top of my head, brushing loose strands of dark hair away from my brow. He strokes my hair slowly and the action is so soothing I have to fight off the urge to lean into his hand.

I'm just drifting off when I hear him speak.

"I'm sorry, my love," he whispers, the words no louder than a breath.

 _What for?_ I want to ask, but I'm too far gone to reply.

"I'm sorry I can't be the man you need me to be."

His lips touch mine, warm and soft and achingly gentle. 

"Sleep well, Hawke."


End file.
